Powered by Donuts

I’m sat by the ‘family pool’ in 37º heat. I say family pool because I just read a sign on the bathroom door that warned: ‘No lewd or inappropriate behaviour. Use of illegal substances will result in removal. ONE GUEST PER STALL!’ which makes me wonder what happened at the family pool to necessitate that sign?! Incidentally the over 21’s party pool is right next door currently blasting out ‘late night booty calls, shiny disco ball’ so loud that our sun bed is vibrating (along with my actual bones). I know, why am I not at the party pool whilst in Las Vegas with no children?? Simple, the words party and pool combined equates to one of my many ideas of hell and for the record you can add to that taking children to Las Vegas. Vegas is NOT for children but that’s just MY OPINION (RHOC Tamra voice). Seeing tiny babies in slings on Fremont street or toddlers in strollers (apparently I’m American and say strollers now instead of buggy’s) walking down the strip really peaks my anxiety. The only way I could imagine taking our kids there is if it was A. A brief stopover and we didn’t venture out of the hotel or B. They were 21.

I’ve managed to read 123 pages of my book so far which may not seem much but I’m a slow reader with ADHD so I think that actually makes me amazing (?). I’ve not been to the gym since October (don’t tell the PT that got me into the best shape of my life). I know who cares? No big deal but I was going four times a week religiously until I decided to take a ‘little’ break after a holiday last year. Unfortunately for me taking a ‘little’ break means ‘I’ll go next week’ and next week turns into eight months (and counting). Did I remember to cancel my membership I hear you ask? Of course not, why cancelling means I’m committing to not going and I was definitely going ‘next week’, I did however remember to ‘pause’ it approximately four months in.

I was doing a bit of self deprecating (like it’s a hobby) comparisons of my past bodies with my present one before coming on holiday until I remembered that ‘holiday bodies’ are a fucking myth! Holiday bodies are just bodies on holiday and the arse I was working so hard to achieve in the gym has now been established (just powered by donuts instead) and I love my new arse. I will get back to the gym at some point but not because I have to just because I want to. I like feeling strong and that future body will be just as awesome as the softer one I have now and just like the one that carried my many children (I was literally a giant weeble – that luckily didn’t fall down). Anyway, that’s my body positivity ted talk and I’ve got an ice cold Pineapple Express cocktail waiting for me, byeeeeeee.

Alas, nonsense.