Hiding in the Loft

I watched Verity this week (not my bag and no I’ve not read it unless you count reading the entire plot on Wikipedia first) and one thing that stood out to me was when she said that autobiographies are just people’s versions of themselves that they want to present to the world which is ultimately bullshit because it’s not authentic. Well, she said it in other words I can’t remember and despite it being at the beginning of some horrible confessions I did agree with that much. Writers think about what they want the reader to feel, when writing about themselves they nearly always think about how they will be perceived. With this blog I try not to do that, I’m sure I still do subconsciously but it’s generally easier for me to write whatever comes into my brain than trying to filter or censor it.

On Sunday I wrote from my loft where I was hiding from my small humans (disclaimer another adult was with them and not hiding in the loft). That might sound pretty shitty of me but we can agree to disagree. Despite my doubts and mum guilt (that is somehow etched into my DNA) I know that I’m actually an awesome mum, in fact it’s one of the few things in life that I’m pretty confident about. That doesn’t mean I’m the most fun mum it usually means I have to make the decisions that no one likes because I am always forward thinking about what is best for everyone. As I’ve mentioned before we have a lot of neurodiversity in our house, myself included. I make mistakes (obviously!) but I try my best to learn from them and change things up when they aren’t working. Sometimes I’m selfish and I put myself first but sometimes that’s necessary. I am only human after all. Sunday I was very human and I’d reached my limit. After a full day of arguments over literally nothing, tantrums and bogeys (whilst attempting to have a wholesome day collecting conkers in a grave yard like all normal families) I was out of ways to ‘see things from their perspective’. I could not fathom the feral that was happening and honestly hearing the word sorry a hundred times kinda makes it lose all meaning. So, I took myself up to our loft (that is absolute chaos by the way) and just sat. If I was a room in a house I’d be our loft, messy and full of memories. Despite the absolute mess I actually felt calmer than I had most of the day then I put on my big girl pants (what other kind are there?!) and I went down and stuck to my motherflippin consequences. And then I felt terrible after bedtime and I missed them because parenting is a mental mind FUCK but that’s not the point. This isn’t meant to be a parenting journey blog it’s just for me really but most of my life is parenting so there’s not really a way to not ever mention it if I’m being honest in my writing. Anyway that was my experience Sunday and it was shit, I had a shit day and I already hate Sundays. I find myself not wanting to write when things are shit but I think that kinda defeats the purpose. Sometimes things are just shit mmmmmmk?

Not to brag but my head is so full of inspiration lately that I literally can’t do anything. How’s that for a catch 22?! There are so many things I want to do and I’m genuinely excited for but my body is like ‘what is moving?’ And it’s so frustrating! Other times I can spend a full day getting nothing done then do five tasks in 90 minutes. Went to Ikea on a whim, there’s really nothing like looking at a showroom to make you want to clear out your entire house. Yes, that is a very nice set up, how do they keep it so tidy? Probably because in real life people have more than four items of clothing and no one actually lives in Ikea. I nearly bought a cactus coat stand because it was amazing and fun but somehow my adult brain started working in the pick up bit and remembered I hate hoards of coats on display and actually there is no where that it would even fit in our hallway. Progress? I did however buy a load of storage bags for all the clothes I definitely shouldn’t be keeping, swings and roundabouts. I have a habit of buying storage solutions yet still remaining completely disorganised, I’m the same with notebooks I just can’t resist hoarding buying pretty notebooks then not writing in them because they’re too damn nice! I think my special interest might be collecting things like a magpie. Oh and just a prediction, the next thing to be all over everything is going to be pickles and I’ll hate it.

Alas, nonsense.