You Shall Pass!

Currently: Sat on a flight to Las Vegas.
Time to destination: Endless.

We have really nice seats but I’m too awkward to enjoy them. We’re sat with extra leg room and the announcement said no one is ‘allowed’ to pass here. Well I’ve been on flights where people have been sat in these seats and given me dirty looks for even daring to wait to use the toilet near their extra leg room (their faces just scream ‘we have paid for this royal privilege!’), now if hating other passengers in your space is your thing maybe don’t travel on a plane? Or maybe do but like a private jet?). I am not those people. I am 5’4”, I leant forward before to get my water and couldn’t reach (much to husband faces amusement). You shall pass! I feel very exposed here, typing on an iPad probably isn’t helping so I’ve turned the brightness as low as I can still see it (I’m an adult mannnn). Watched a terrible movie, they started doing meal clean up right as there was a full naked sex scene and I didn’t know what to do so I just left it playing and looked around (like a proper grown up). I never know what to do on flights, I’m so used to never ending trips to the toilet (my children seem to love trying out all the toilets they can), finding snacks and keeping little humans entertained that I’m at a loss of how to fill the free hours without them. There’s turbulence now, someone’s watching friends and all I can think of is Phoebe talking about ‘filanges’.

Wonder if anyone else gets randomly nervous in airports like they’re guilty of something? I actually offered to remove my Dr Martens at security because they have thick soles but she told me to keep them on. Walked through the naked scanner and my right foot got flagged, then had to put my feet in individual scanners, remove my boots, show my ankles (ohh la la) and have the boots go back through the scanner on the belt. Totally panicked because they’re from vinted, what if the seller was a drug smuggler and forgot her secret stash in the soles then sold them to me?! What if she went to a rave a stood in cocaine (surely that’s the correct cocaine setting? No?) and they get swabbed? Nope. After standing around in my socks (EW!) singing don’t be suspicious (in the style of Mona-Lisa Saperstein) in my head waiting for my beautiful new boots they finally came out. Panic over. Went for a disappointing airport meal (standard) then spent the rest of time wandering around waiting for a gate. I’ve never understood people who say their holiday starts at the airport, the airport is a necessary evil for me. Joey and Rachel kissing now, that storyline never made sense (friends again). Wonder how Rachel got her hair THAT glossy. I had the Rachel cut in high school, right after I had a bob which my then friend said ‘made my face look fat’, I mean she wasn’t wrong just a bit of a bitch mean girl as it turned out. A few years later I also plucked off half of my eyebrows whilst trying to ‘even them up’ right before I had my passport photo taken, so that was an interesting few years.

Alas, nonsense.